A Weekend in a Village

By Joe Freeman, s18
University of Western Australia

Our trip to a village on the weekend was very nice and peaceful. It was on the side of Mt Merapi (the big volcano behind Jogja), which was good because the air is cooler and fresher up there than down in Jogja. We sat around in the jungle and put our feet in the creek, and sat in rice fields and stuff like that. It was all cool - it's just we had to eat a lot.

The Javanese have this funny thing about food. If you ever visit someone's house they will offer you food and something to drink. It's kinda like to show they are good hosts and that they are comfortable enough to be able to feed any one who visits them. Conversely you as the guest have to eat because it's impolite if you don't. This may all be nice and interesting but if you get stuck in a little Javanese village for 3 days it can be extremely dangerous.

We all got to the village and went to the houses and families that we were gonna stay with over the weekend. It was nice and good, but man did they get us to eat. The "soup nazi" from Seinfeld has nothing on my mum from the village. I was in big mama's house and there was nothing I could do. She ruled my poor stomach with the rice cooker from hell and the typically unreadable, smiling Javanese face. Whoa, a deadly combo.

In my house I had to eat 3 huge meals a day and she would watch over me eating and command that I eat more. She was there going "ayo, makan, makan, nambah lagi dong. Nambah nasi, nambah sayur lagi, habiskan tempe ini." This approximately translates into "eat you skinny little white boy, eat all the rice, I'm gonna make you fatter than Danny Devito. Ha ha ha, eat more. You gonna be a fatty". Yeah well, it kinda translates to that.

So it was bad at home, but then if I hung around there I would have to eat other stuff every half hour as well. It was so bad I realised the only way to survive was to hide as far from my house as possible. They were very nice but must have thought I was a very strange guest always trying to avoid them and sneak in the side door or through my bedroom window. I bet they wondered if all white boys try and stick rice cookers in the bin when they visit people.

So yeah I lived outside, and that was good but then everywhere I walked people would be like "hello main sini, masuk sini mas" which is "hello come here, come visit my house and see your friends that are staying here". This I thought was nice and friendly but was actually secret code for "I'm gonna make you fat like John Candy after he has eaten Danny Devito for breakfast." Anyway I quickly learned that you should not enter peoples houses under any circumstances, and if you ever heard a seemingly friendly invitation you should run like hell to the safety of the forest or the rice fields. "Stranger danger" had taken on a whole new meaning.

Oh yeah, one other funny thing is the way Javanese people refer to themselves in third person to be polite. This is very funny in real life. For example, my mama would be going out so she would say "mama is going out now for a little while, mama will come back in an hour to feed you." Then when I'd go out I'd say 'Joe Freeman is going out now, cos he is scared big mama is trying to make Joe Freeman fatter than John Candy" I really struggle to talk like that and it was very funny times at times.

Any way enough is enough. Joe Freeman has to go home now. Joe Freeman wishes you all a lovely day tomorrow. Joe Freeman says bye and loves you all.